Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
You Might Also Like
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Note to self: I am a note
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
The struggle is real
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.