*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
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Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
don’t we all
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”