Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
yeah not falling for this one
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”