Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
😂 amazing answer
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.