My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf