Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.