Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”