[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!