Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.