[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Cashiers are always checking me out
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.