Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.