– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
can’t talk my ride’s here
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
#winning
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?