I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Thank you corporation very cool
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.