@BroIsMeeeee: Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i'm in a cell
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@HallpassCanada: For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
@HomeProbably: My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch. My whole body is lazy so I'm wearing my couch.
@rationalists: Republicans say they're not satisfied with Michele Obama's speech because she didn't give it from her kitchen.