Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
This makes total sense…
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Where is your GOD now????
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.