Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*