Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.