Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.