@JesKeepSwimming: Ladies, if a guy tells you "Leggings aren't pants," tell him "You're welcome."
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@ArfMeasures: SURGEON: I'm afraid that your Grandma is very critical ME: Oh no SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
@Coastiefish: I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.
@WarrenHolstein: Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.
@iwearaonesie: 9: Have you seen my harmonica? [flashback to me smashing it with a hammer] me: Did you look under your bed?