@JesKeepSwimming: Ladies, if a guy tells you "Leggings aren't pants," tell him "You're welcome."
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@moose_chocolate: Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.
@ArfMeasures: ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes! GF: Just get some more ME: Ok [later] GF: Did you get more grapes? ME [drowning in kittens] what?
@Fred_Delicious: [penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"
@ericsshadow: [final debate] TRUMP: I'd like to apologize to hillary MODERATOR: umm ok HILLARY: umm ok TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*