How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
hmm conte-me mais
uh oh
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.