Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
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[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
peeping toms
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never