Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
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A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
😅🤣😂
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.