Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
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Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
OH. COME. ON.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.