I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet