support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
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While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”