Intelligence is the new cleavage
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.