I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples