Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
asked my bf how work was today
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.