Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
SCARY COSTUME
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
😂😂
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin