Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
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Punctuation Matters. Period.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.