@JVarsityCaptain: Ladies, wonder if he's busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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@better_off_dad: *At the bank Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP! Me:Looks like a gun R:SHUT UP! M:Well, 'THIS IS A GUN' is way scarier Teller:He's got a point
@ehdannyboy: "Dad why was I called Holly?" cos u were born at a special time of year "And me dad?" yes Summer and u too "And me too dad?" yes Easter-Egg
@1_swarthy_dude: [interview for waiter position] Manager: "So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?" Stegosaurus: "You're kidding me right?"