Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.