Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life