Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
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My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.