*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Sheep
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.