Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Same post same
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.