lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Well, this is awkward
How software testing works
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.