@Drivelodeon: Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn't mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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@WritePlay: SIRI: Brian, what goes "blah blah blah, I don't know anything, please help me"? ME: Uhh SIRI: It's you. That's what you sound like.
@TheCatWhisprer: Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn't mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
@KeithSantagato: #WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers....well now i don't feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
@withanewname: [trick or treating] "Oh, what a cute little…what's she doing?" Me: potty training. "In my pumpkin?!" Me: She likes the heated seat.