Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Ghost costume 😂
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.