Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Dead sexy!!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I’m literally crying
Lmaoo 😂
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.