Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Catercrombie & Fish
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!