judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
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Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.