Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*puts words between two asterisks*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?