Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer