Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
“You want me to do what?!”馃ぃ
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 馃檨
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he鈥檚 a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we鈥檙e not like them
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
If one door closes & another door opens, you鈥檙e probably in prison.