Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
You Might Also Like
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Never let them know your next move 😂
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Monday Lisa
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.