Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes