LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
You Might Also Like
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
getting corrected
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody