My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.