@ilovepie84: Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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@slimmy_shady: Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how'd you know I teach fat kids?!
@TodaysResume: During your interview, try ending every sentence with "dot jpg". "How would you say you handle job pressure?" --Not a problem.jpg
@UncleDuke1969: [doorbell] "Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?" "No." "Why not?" "He died like 2000 years ago." "So?" "I'm 46. Do the math."
@iGreenMonk: Natural Disasters are just Mother Nature's way of saying, "How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess? Go to your room.."