Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
You Might Also Like
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.