Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.