last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.