People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.