Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams